Category: Abuse and Neglect

Intro

Being used to being treated well and trusting our gut feeling is the fastest most effective way to notice that someone might be trying to con or manipulate us.

When we’re used to being treated well, and someone acts strange or manipulative towards us, we won’t dismiss it, accept it, or blame ourselves. We will notice that person’s behavior is the problem, and something’s not right with them.

When we trust our gut feeling properly, we notice when something starts not feeling right, uncomfortable, too negative, weird or strange. And we believe it, and act on it.

(Note that manipulation isn’t necessarily conscious. It’s just an attempt at controlling someone or at getting one’s own needs met through what I call dark behaviors – those which involve suffering, concealment or trickery.)

Unfortunately, as trauma victims, we usually have trouble trusting our instincts (for reasons related to the abuse we suffered) and it takes practice and time to get this connection with ourselves strong again. Until then, being able to cognitively recognize what manipulative behavior looks like is a super-power against it. For that reason, I wrote this post.

Techniques

Abusive manipulations can fall into one of the following categories:

Denying

• “That’s YOUR interpretation. It’s not what I meant.”
• “I didn’t say that” (which can technically be true, they may not have said that… directly).
• “Don’t put words in my mouth!”
• “You think too much!” (meaning, not only did I not do that, but you’re the problem for even considering I did).

Ignoring, Minimizing and Invalidating

Ignoring what you said in different ways (the underlying meaning that you’re not worth listening to) – for example them continue talking or continuing doing whatever they’re doing as if they didn’t hear you.

Minimizing the importance of your feelings, your aspirations, or anything that matters to you.

Invalidating goes further by basically saying or acting in a way that tries to let you believe your feelings are wrong, out of place or of no importance.

• “Don’t make a big deal out of it!”
• “Why are you so sensitive?!”
• “Why do you feel hurt/angry/upset?” – when someone repeatedly questions your feelings it leaves you thinking there’s something wrong with the way you feel. This can also be a form of gaslighting.
• “You’re still hurt about that???”
• “Just let it go for once!”
• “Don’t be so annoying with complaining about me.”

Diversion

Changing the topic or focus of conversation when it’s not in their interest. Or being asked a direct question and dodging it. For example, you give them a valid critic, and they attack right back instead of addressing what you said, so that you’re now the one defending yourself and your concern is completely ignored. Example: You point out some abusive behavior they did. Instead of addressing that, they immediately bring something else to the table, often about you, in order to try to divert the attention away from them and put it back on you (basically a form of victim-offender reversal). If you don’t know about this you’ll be tempted to defend or explain yourself, therefore letting go of the original topic, and then this tactic already worked for them, because the focus is not anymore on them. Now the pressure is on you proving how you’re not the villain and the diversion worked perfectly. Examples of what they might say

“At least I didn’t X like you did!”

“Sure, I’m always a problem with you. Don’t you think maybe you have wrong expectations of a partner?”

“All you can do is criticize me, can’t you say anything positive for once?”

“You’re not any better than me, you’re always (…)”

Completely diverting/ignoring your valid concerns and putting the pressure back on you now having to defending yourself against their accusations. This is where knowing how not to JADE (justify argue defend explain) can be extremely valuable. Keep laser focused on what you want out of that conversation, and don’t let yourself be diverted by any kind of accusations that may come. If the accusations are too harsh and you can’t just ignore them, consider whether it might be better to end that conversation.

Excuses

“I’m sorry that I did that but… [excuse]”

“I’m sorry I was [abusive] but I was so tired, and you know how [excuse] triggers me, and then you [something you did that triggers them].”

“I know I hurt you but that’s because [excuse], don’t you see how hard it is for me?”

“Maybe we’re just not meant to be” (as if it was fate’s fault for the relationship not working, and not them the main cause). A person is always responsible for their abusive behavior. Don’t be fooled by excuses.

Lying

A conscious omission of the truth is also lying and a half-truth is also a half-lie.

Threatening

Can be direct “If you […] I will […]” or even through ultimatums “Either we do this or we break up.” Or very subtle – “Maybe we should rethink our relationship.”, “I’ve been very sad about us lately and I don’t know what else to do anymore.”, “I won’t do or say anything then”

Note boundary vs threat: The main difference between a threat and a boundary is the intention. A boundary’s main goal is to protect ourselves. The focus is on us. A threat’s main goal is to get someone else to do something. The focus is on them. And in order to see what the person is aiming for

Guilt-tripping

“See, I was planning to do all these nice things for us today and now because of this fight I don’t feel like it anymore.”

“I brought you this gift and thought about you, and now you’re making us fight…”

“After all I did for you, this is how you repay me…”

“I would do it for you.”

Shaming

Letting you know in different ways how bad you are.

“I’m here crying and you do nothing, how’s that for a partner”

“You’re the worst girl/boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

“Other people wouldn’t get this mad over something so small.”

“Why are you like this?”

Playing the victim

Leading you to believe they are the victim and not responsible for their actions (so no need to apologize or admit to any wrongdoing)

“I’m doing my best here, it’s just not working”

“It’s not my fault, you know i have anger issues”

“I did everything I could to avoid the fight”

“I can’t be perfect all the time”

“I guess it’s all my fault, i can never do anything right” and other variations.

Vilifying the victim

The abused/victim person becomes the villain/bad guy. – “You keep criticizing me, all you can do is put me down, every single time we fight, do you know how that feels?” (when the critics are about abusive behavior). “You cannot say anything positive, can you? All I hear is how I’m behaving badly.” This one along with playing the victim are so often used and usually come together so often that they’re usually called victim-abuser reversal, or role-reversal, and is part of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).

Charming

With flattery, praise, gifts, adoration, playfulness or seduction (taunting with sex or its possibility). Acting very friendly and with affection. If this happens when you’re still hurt from something, it’s like nothing happened for them, and with this warmth right after the wrath, they try to win you back quickly. After all it’s comforting and loving feels better than hating, and perhaps you depend on them for that.

This completely invalidates / dismisses / ignores the hurt you feel and, if you push back, you’re quickly blamed for “dwelling on the past” or “bringing the mood down” or “you’re being unhelpful when I’m trying to fix things and I don’t see your love coming back” (which are manipulations 9 and 10). So you end up anxiously accepting their “sweet” gift of “love”.

Combinations

These tactics can and often appear combined:

• Criticizing you for feeling hurt about their abuse – “I feel you distant and cold, and it doesn’t help me! How can I be warm to you if I don’t get it back when I give it to you?” “Are you still hurt about that? … It was just a joke! Get over it! You’re going to ruin our day like this! Why are you such a sensitive person anyway, jeez.” – Minimizing (your feelings), role-reversal, shaming.
• “That is YOUR feeling. Just because you felt it like that doesn’t mean that’s what really happened [gaslighting]. Why does it affect you so much anyway! Stop being so sensitive and enjoy more! You give me a bad feeling about “us” like this. You’re not as fun as you used to be.” – Denying, minimizing (your feelings), shaming, role-reversal, (veiled) threat (breakup).
• “If you don’t come back and say something nice then we break up, because you were just impossible to talk to.” – Threat and vilifying the victim.
• “If I leave now you know I will not come back.” – (veiled) Threat (breakup). And when you point out you don’t like threats – “I didn’t threaten you to breakup… I just meant today I will not come back. Why are you always putting words in my mouth?!” – Denying, vilifying the victim.
• “I think our relationship is not working.” (after a fight where they were abusive) – Role-reversal, threat (veiled). Basically they put subtly the cause of what is going wrong in the relationship as “compatibility” issues and not of their BPD and their actions. No apologies for what they did wrong, which means your feelings of hurt are invalidated/minimized. And the threat of breaking up.
• “You made me do it. You triggered me, it’s your fault I hit you, shout at you and said those horrible things. If only you would have been more understanding, I wouldn’t have needed to hurt you.” – Role reversal. With this, they relieve themselves of any culpability for their actions, and all the blame goes to the receiver of those actions. The receiver is left with guilt and shame for feeling responsible for what happened.
• “You’ll never know what it’s like to be me, so it’s hard for you to see I hurt those I love the most.” – Guilt-tripping (because they love you so much), Playing the victim (it’s so painful to be me), Vilifying the Victim (because it’s you who don’t understand).
• “If you could’ve just avoided that trigger and then calmed me down, we could be now here lovingly sitting and enjoying our time. You’re who I love the most and I don’t want to lose you…” – Blaming the victim, charming.

1. You feel nervous around this person.

They often express intense, exhilarating emotions which change radically from one extreme to another. You’ll often hear words like “the best, awesome, amazing” and “the worst, horrible, awful”. One moment they are kind, cheerful and flattering you, or if they are in love, they feel adventurous and passionate. The next moment things take a turn to the dark – they quickly become annoyed or angry at you or something in their life. Stability of good emotions is rare. Part of you feels that negativity can just as easily turn against you. You feel the need to constantly perform at your best. And by your best I mean what they view as best.

2. They withhold attention and make you feel desperate for breadcrumbs of it.

After hooking you with praise, flattery, attention and affection they become uninterested. They make you feel desperate and needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive. They don’t seem to care when they leave your side. It often feels like you’re disposable and forgetful. Or when they care it is accompanied by jealousy or anger.

3. Over the top often hyperbolized flattery.

Lots of compliments, adoration, attention. “You’re the best, you’re awesome, you’re perfect, you’re a KING/QUEEN!” You’ll feel slightly uneasy with it all. However, if you have low self-esteem, you might also enjoy their attention and compliments, and if you are not used to trusting your intuition, you might overlook or dismiss their odd behavior. When it’s not all about them, it becomes all about you. In those moments, it seems like all their focus is on you and they disappear from the map. You, your dreams, your ideas are all that matters. Your favorites are their favorites. What you do is great, and now they do it too. Everything you do is complimented or shown that it’s awesome. It’s as if you felt cut open and put spread on a platter. It feels uncomfortable in your gut. Remember: If it feels strange, it is strange.

4. The Inconsistency.
Of behavior – they say they’re going to do something. Then they do something else. Breaking little agreements and promises here and there. “Forgetting” to do things they said they’d do. Plan things that never come true. And this happens OFTEN. A lot of talk, little and inconsistent action. When in doubt, pay attention to what they do over what they say.

Of feelings – At times they bombard you with texts, photos, and invitations to join their thrilling life. You feel slightly uneasy with so much attention, but somewhat delighted. They can’t get enough of you, you are now amazing. But then they suddenly ignore you, and act like they don’t care at all, you are dull or worthless. This might make you feel like you have to try harder, because sometimes you seem to impress them and you are awesome, and other times you fail to interest them and are boring. The truth is – this change had nothing to do with you.

5. Thrill seeking & drama magnets

There always seems to be something happening. New people coming into their lives, dramas with someone, at work or with friends. Today a new coworker quickly becomes a great friend who they mutually share their life stories with. Tomorrow a fallout with a friend. The next day something happened with the dog. The day after they have a horrible night. The one after they are going on an unplanned hike with some friends. Then they need to go relax somewhere because it’s been too much, only for the next day something else to happen. They may want constant excitement, adventures, going out and experiencing new things, meeting new people. They get very easily bored by the familiar. This also makes you anxious, because it tells you that if you’re not constantly ON and fun, they’ll get bored of you too.

6. Everything in the relationship moves blindingly fast.

Relationship moves quickly. It starts strong and fast. They share a lot very quickly. Perhaps early sex, falling in love really soon, talking about spending life together, and marriage/kids occurs early. Little disagreements, and a feeling that something is off also shows up in very soon after you met them. Fights might happen soon as well. When they do, emotions are expected to go from one extreme to the other very quickly. They may shock you with how extreme, and cold they can be in a fight, to be point of one of you crying, threats of breakup or others. And then quickly make up, and think about the future. And you have to accompany their feelings just as quickly or be accused of bringing the relationship down and not “letting it go” or “being too sensitive” or “still being hung up by the past.” They ask you to move on at an inappropriately short time for the emotions that were involved. And if they don’t say it, they show it by moving on very quickly and expecting you follow them.  After fights, you may feel high, ethereal. Like all is good in the world. But also exhausted and beaten down. And you never know when the switch will happen. You can go from amazing to piece of shit and back to amazing in a blink of an eye. From wanting to marry you to wanting breakup. Remember: If someone attaches quickly, they will disattach as quickly.

7. The lack of empathy.

On the surface they look calm and unaffected. A sort of flat-lined emotions. Some people may see this as being cool and collected, which makes you in comparison feel over-sensitive and emotional. Maybe they make jokes about others suffering, or laugh at someone’s misfortune. Notice how they talk about themselves. They often react to their own pain with insensitivity, callousness, laughter and lack of compassion. Or rage, if they perceive it was caused by someone else. Expect the same treatment. They struggle with emotionally putting themselves in anyone’s shoes, including yours. You find yourself needing comfort… and getting little of it from them. They may stare at you blankly, give you no validation, or just some superficial physical affection and blank comforting words. The bare minimum, as someone who is just trying to barely pass a test with minimum effort. In certain cases they may even not control themselves and just by inaction prolong your suffering out of enjoyment. If it feels sick and cold, it’s because it is sick and cold.

8. They hyperbolize emotions, display little of them, and when they do, they often feel oddly out of place. Because they are disconnected from their emotions, they are not really feeling what they say they are feeling (and often not even aware of this). Because of that, they may act in ways that feel weird and out of place, because they’re acting out of their “thinking” and not out of their “feeling”. Listen to your intuition.

9. You’ll find them using manipulation tactics.

10. You can’t seem to trust them. You may find yourself playing detective. In previous relationships you didn’t feel this need. But now, even if you haven’t directly or consciously caught them lying, you somehow have the feeling they’re not to be trusted. You may get this feeling if for example they seem distrustful of others (often a projection because they know themselves are not to be trusted, and they assume others not to be as well). Or if you’ve seen, or they told you about them deceiving other people (which means they can deceive you as well, when the tide inevitably changes against you).

11. They also put you in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They may make themselves artificially unavailable to give the appearance they’re in high demand, and that you should be grateful when they give you attention. They might also surround themselves with potential mates but they assure you there is nothing to worry about. You feel more jealous than you know yourself to be. They turn this around on you by accusing you of being insecure and need to work on your trust issues. At the same time, you are given the perception that you need to be on your best game, and even then that at the slightest disappointment you can easily be dropped for someone else. And this jealousy they provoke, is always maintained by a cover of innocence.

12. The critics and comparisons. So many, so exhausting. Compares you to ex-partners, friends, family members, or even strangers. When flattering you, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they tell you, often very subtly, the thousand ways in which you are lacking. It can be so subtle the only indication is that you feel your self esteem going lower and lower. You need to be more fun, you need to be more adventurous, you aren’t like i met you anymore, you’re too boring, you should do it like this instead, you’re breathing wrong, this is not ok, look how that one is doing, the way you do it is wrong. It feels like you as a person are not ok, and everything you do is wrong.

13. Laughs at you or things you do. They sometimes smirk when you say or do something, with an aura of pity and arrogance for you. Teasing started as fun, but quickly feels like a tireless beat down. They give you backhanded compliments (a critic given in the form of a compliment). They subtly belittle you. If you ask a question they may laugh, because “the answer is obvious 😂”, or because “who would ask such a silly question😂”. Then may dress it up as a joke. If you point this out, they’ll make it about you – you’re too sensitive, it was just a joke, you’re too uptight, you need to relax more and take things less seriously, you need to be more fun, what’s wrong with you that you can’t take a joke.

14. The negativity. Tests. Punishments. Revenge. Anger.

A cloud of never ending darkness and negativity seems to have become part of your life. Something negative always comes around the corner somehow. It may seem like you have a degree of control over it, if only you are understanding, and pay attention to their words, and are calm, and don’t make any mistakes, then maybe it will be like you imagine. But it won’t. Because they have been like this way before you came along. And so they will continue after they leave you.

15. They often exude a general sense arrogance.

People suck, they’re sheep, dumb, etc. See how they reframe their negatives in a way that they sound positive. Abusive = difficult, just a misfit in current society. Rageful = passionate. Cold and talking with disregard to people’s feelings = no filter and real. You may also sense disregard for rules, especially those that don’t benefit them.

16. They dislike your boundaries.

Boundaries are to an abuser as garlic is to a vampire. When you set a boundary, they tend to react with some form of punitive behavior – anger, put downs, accusations, silent treatment.

17. You find yourself explaining basics of human conduct and decency to an adult.

Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel. It can feel as if they have troubles being nice in general to people, and they may ask your help to navigate situations when that is necessary.

18. They focus on yours or others’ mistakes while ignoring their own.

If you point out their mistakes, you should not expect a real apology. They have difficulty or downright complete inability to truthfully admit faults. They will be quick to turn the conversation back on you or to dismiss their mistake as unavoidable, not their fault, no one’s fault, or your fault. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.

19. The loneliness you feel with them.

You may feel alone even when you’re sitting next to them. You don’t really feel like you can count on them. It may feel as if there is a wall that prevents you from connecting with them emotionally. In romantic relationships sex will feel more like sex, and rarely like making love. It can often leave you feeling emotionally malnourished. Like something is missing.

20. The superficiality.

They tend to place high importance on how others see them, especially for those they deem important or high-value. On the surface, they seem to do a lot in a way to appear to be great. However this is usually superficial only. People that are with them more often, get to see the real them. Because they are out of touch with their own feelings, the emotions they show are also shallow and lack real depth and sincerity. You can tell this by how they seem unaffected by their emotions despite how strongly they express them. Or by how quickly they seem to express one strong emotion only to quickly express another that contradicts the previous. This is not how a normal human being acts.

21. Their mood appears to switch very quickly.

It can be eerie when you see them switching their charming happy face as they turn from a conversation with someone to you and don’t need to pretend anymore. Or in messages you see them quickly mentioning through words or Emojis contradictory emotions. Going from wanting to die/cry/sad to laughing and dancing. It feels like someone on emotional steroids. It feels tiring, and a roller-coaster. It also feels off. You will start to feel that their personality just doesn’t seem to add up.

22. It seems like you are the only one who sees their true colors.

Abusers often let go of the anger build up and get the most triggered in close relationships. Some times others will think they’re the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. Other times, their friends have also troubled pasts, and issues themselves, and are either blind or submissive to this person. Hurt people often hang out with other hurt people because it feels familiar, it feels like home. Abusive people are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their romantic relationships.

23. Troubled past.

Rough childhood. Hurt people hurt others. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past, troubled intense relationships. Several partners. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.

24. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they’ll call you the sexiest person in the world. If you’ve got a need to entertain, they’ll say you’re the funniest person they’ve ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.

25. Judges how you look. They try to arrange you. Or make backhanded compliments about how you look. They may try to pretend to be helpful while covering up a birthmark you have to make you self-conscious of it.

26. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but abusers make it clear (often subtly and indirectly) that conversations that they don’t like can jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, and do as they say, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest in you or leave you

27. When in a position of power, abuses it. Examples of positions of power (because just saying it like this sounds abstract): doctor/nurse to patient (especially if debilitated), doctor to nurse, customer to waitress or shop clerk, policeman to civilian, bully to someone who’s been abused before, someone depending on them financially or emotionally, them knowing something and you don’t. Being in a position of power to an abuser is like giving a shot of a drug to a drug addict. The temptation will be really strong. “Because you need me, I can abuse you and you’ll take it.”

28. Gaslights. You’re reading their emotions wrong, you’re interpreting things wrong, you’re forgetting things, you can’t understand things right (…).

29. You feel worse about yourself when you’re with them. You get criticized and blamed without even noticing. The main sign is that you feel increasingly lower self-esteem. This is especially felt during and after fights.

30. Your feelings. One of the best ways to identify – you feel anxious, your self esteem gets lower and lower, you seem to have to fake to be with them. You start not knowing your likes and wants. You are often confused by their behavior. But because you’re used to not trusting yourself, and they seem very sure of themselves you think maybe you just understood it wrong, or you’re not seeing the whole picture, or you shouldn’t be judgemental of people and accept people’s quirkinesses.

Notes

Note 1: it’s not necessarily the case that someone abusive will fit all of these. In fact, some abusive people will have the opposite red flag. For example, some aren’t thrill seekers and instead are too socially anxious to want new experiences. Also, some of these may exist in otherwise non-abusive people, although often in a less extreme way. The point to make is that they are still way more likely to be there in abusers and especially when they are there in a pronounced way.

Note 2: abuse often is unconscious, not on purpose, and many times out of insecurity. A learned behavior to try to control and get a need met. This is not an excuse. And this doesn’t make it any better for the receiver. You don’t deserve to be abused no matter their intentions, no matter if they don’t mean it, and no matter if they do it out of insecurity. Abuse and mistreatment are abuse and mistreatment. What you feel is what counts. They need therapy, and you need to take care of yourself.

As I thought about every single thing that creates anxiety when I go out or am with people, all of them, without exception, are fears of some sort of abusive behavior:

• Fear of being laughed at.
• Fear of being harshly criticized.
• Fear of being shouted at.
• Fear of being ignored/dismissed as being unimportant.
• Fear of being treated as small and worthless.
• Fear of being invalidated.
• Fear of being gaslighted.
• Fear of not being capable of setting a boundary and feeling like we’re putting ourselves in second place (and we’re not able of setting a boundary because the other person might react displeased or angry).
• Fear of someone being abusive in general, and us not being able to see it for what it is, and then as a result blaming ourselves and taking the abuse as our fault and not theirs.

How can someone not have anxiety like this? Even for healthy people who feel anxiety when giving a public speech, would they feel it if the public consisted of purely unconditionally loving people? Like a huge loving family. Maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe there’s no such thing as social anxiety, it’s just fear of abuse. And for those who’ve been abused, it would be abnormal if we wouldn’t have more of this fear.

And where do I want to get to with this? That the solution to get rid once and for all of “social anxiety” is not on “just get out there more!” or “find hobbies that you like to meet people!” or other behavioral techniques or tricks that don’t work for those who are traumatized besides some possible short term positive effect.

That the solution, instead, is to realize all of the actual fears, examples above, behind this anxiety – All of the abuse that caused them, and then console those fears as we would any other fear. With:

• Love, kind self talk, as if you were talking to a stressed frightened child.
• Compassion and understanding for why the fear is there, knowing it is real, but what it says is not true.
• Preparation of boundaries and attitude to have for if such fear would actually happen
• Renegotiation of a feeling of safety after some fear comes true, and we “fail” to protect oursleves and self forgiveness.
• Patience, time and practice.

I hope this resonates and helps someone.

A common twin of abuse. It’s not only actions that scar us but also the lack of them. And while abuse is easier to spot, neglect can be as devastating. We can easily see alcoholism, or spanking, shouting, door slamming, critics, mocking and berating. But how can we see what we missed? How can we see that we

• Lacked a mother saying how beautiful, desired and special we are. How happy she is that we exist.
• Lacked good role models from whom we learn how to behave in society with self assurance.
• Lacked emotional support when we needed and felt alone.
• Lacked someone talking to us about our emotions, about and how we feel and how it is part of being human, how to deal with them, what they mean,…
• Lacked boundaries between our parents and us.
• Lacked attention, of being adored, of being seen and heard, of feeling visible, of feeling important, of being held, touched and hugged, of being asked “how was your day?” when you come home, of being noticed to have a black eye and be asked “who hurt you?” with a face of concern and compassion. Or of being noticed that we look sad and upset and be asked what happened.
• Were not encouraged when we were down. Not shown enthusiasm for our discoveries. Didn’t feel that our parents trusted our abilities, and trusted us.
• Were not given the space to be our own individual, to have our own tastes, goals and dreams accepted and encouraged.

Whenever you want proof that you were abused / neglected and you don’t remember much, or you think you had a good childhood and yet you always felt like something was missing, and your life has been emotionally anything but easy – look at your current behaviors and feelings. For example, a child that was treated as worthy, won’t spend their adulthood feeling worthless and trying to prove to others that they aren’t.

An adult that wasn’t traumatically shamed as a child, won’t carry pervasive shame wherever they go. Feeling that they’re not good enough, frequently feeling that they need to achieve in order to feel good about themselves.

A child who was allowed to be authentic and still get their needs met, won’t become an adult who feels they need to manipulate to get what they want.

A child who could be angry, disagree, assert their boundaries and express their individuality with their parents – and still feel loved -, won’t become a people pleaser who feels they have to be and do what others want in order to be liked.

An adult who, as a child, wasn’t mocked, called stupid and got condescending tones for asking questions, will feel comfortable doing so. And if someone mocks them for that they will wonder what’s wrong with that person, not with themselves.

A child who didn’t have to deal with sudden and random outbursts and drama, won’t become an hyper-vigilant anxious adult.

If you were abused as a child, it is more likely you’ll enter an abusive relationship as an adult. And settle for breadcrumbs of love. And let your boundaries be broken. And take the blame for when things go wrong. They might tell you you’re good for nothing and you might think they have a point. They’ll stomp on you while saying they love you. And you’ll believe them.

And you know what? It’ll all feel strangely familiar.

The examples are abundant and I think you get the point.

So if you’re scared that because you don’t remember a lot of things then “maybe they didn’t happen and you’re making a big deal” — you don’t need to remember. You just need to look. Look into the tension in your body, look into your anxiety, look into your fears, look into your coping behaviors. You are a manifestation of your past.

This will tell you not only what happened but also what you need.

If you’re fearful now it means someone scared you then. And you need comforting now.

If you’re needy now, it means you were neglected then, and you need love now.

If you feel invisible, it means nobody heard you then, and you need to give yourself (and your inner child) all the attention in the world now.

If you feel a lot of shame for many things, it means you were shamed then, and you need to rebel now and feel supported and compassion in coming out of the shell of shame. And so on.

There is hope for you, no matter what you remember.