Whenever you want proof that you were abused / neglected and you don’t remember much, or you think you had a good childhood and yet you always felt like something was missing, and your life has been emotionally anything but easy – look at your current behaviors and feelings. For example, a child that was treated as worthy, won’t spend their adulthood feeling worthless and trying to prove to others that they aren’t.
An adult that wasn’t traumatically shamed as a child, won’t carry pervasive shame wherever they go. Feeling that they’re not good enough, frequently feeling that they need to achieve in order to feel good about themselves.
A child who was allowed to be authentic and still get their needs met, won’t become an adult who feels they need to manipulate to get what they want.
A child who could be angry, disagree, assert their boundaries and express their individuality with their parents – and still feel loved -, won’t become a people pleaser who feels they have to be and do what others want in order to be liked.
An adult who, as a child, wasn’t mocked, called stupid and got condescending tones for asking questions, will feel comfortable doing so. And if someone mocks them for that they will wonder what’s wrong with that person, not with themselves.
A child who didn’t have to deal with sudden and random outbursts and drama, won’t become an hyper-vigilant anxious adult.
If you were abused as a child, it is more likely you’ll enter an abusive relationship as an adult. And settle for breadcrumbs of love. And let your boundaries be broken. And take the blame for when things go wrong. They might tell you you’re good for nothing and you might think they have a point. They’ll stomp on you while saying they love you. And you’ll believe them.
And you know what? It’ll all feel strangely familiar.
The examples are abundant and I think you get the point.
So if you’re scared that because you don’t remember a lot of things then “maybe they didn’t happen and you’re making a big deal” — you don’t need to remember. You just need to look. Look into the tension in your body, look into your anxiety, look into your fears, look into your coping behaviors. You are a manifestation of your past.
This will tell you not only what happened but also what you need.
If you’re fearful now it means someone scared you then. And you need comforting now.
If you’re needy now, it means you were neglected then, and you need love now.
If you feel invisible, it means nobody heard you then, and you need to give yourself (and your inner child) all the attention in the world now.
If you feel a lot of shame for many things, it means you were shamed then, and you need to rebel now and feel supported and compassion in coming out of the shell of shame. And so on.
There is hope for you, no matter what you remember.