Intro
Being used to being treated well and trusting our gut feeling is the fastest most effective way to notice that someone might be trying to con or manipulate us.
When we’re used to being treated well, and someone acts strange or manipulative towards us, we won’t dismiss it, accept it, or blame ourselves. We will notice that person’s behavior is the problem, and something’s not right with them.
When we trust our gut feeling properly, we notice when something starts not feeling right, uncomfortable, too negative, weird or strange. And we believe it, and act on it.
(Note that manipulation isn’t necessarily conscious. It’s just an attempt at controlling someone or at getting one’s own needs met through what I call dark behaviors – those which involve suffering, concealment or trickery.)
Unfortunately, as trauma victims, we usually have trouble trusting our instincts (for reasons related to the abuse we suffered) and it takes practice and time to get this connection with ourselves strong again. Until then, being able to cognitively recognize what manipulative behavior looks like is a super-power against it. For that reason, I wrote this post.
Techniques
Abusive manipulations can fall into one of the following categories:
Denying
- “That’s YOUR interpretation. It’s not what I meant.”
- “I didn’t say that” (which can technically be true, they may not have said that… directly).
- “Don’t put words in my mouth!”
- “You think too much!” (meaning, not only did I not do that, but you’re the problem for even considering I did).
Ignoring, Minimizing and Invalidating
Ignoring what you said in different ways (the underlying meaning that you’re not worth listening to) – for example them continue talking or continuing doing whatever they’re doing as if they didn’t hear you.
Minimizing the importance of your feelings, your aspirations, or anything that matters to you.
Invalidating goes further by basically saying or acting in a way that tries to let you believe your feelings are wrong, out of place or of no importance.
- “Don’t make a big deal out of it!”
- “Why are you so sensitive?!”
- “Why do you feel hurt/angry/upset?” – when someone repeatedly questions your feelings it leaves you thinking there’s something wrong with the way you feel. This can also be a form of gaslighting.
- “You’re still hurt about that???”
- “Just let it go for once!”
- “Don’t be so annoying with complaining about me.”
Diversion
Changing the topic or focus of conversation when it’s not in their interest. Or being asked a direct question and dodging it. For example, you give them a valid critic, and they attack right back instead of addressing what you said, so that you’re now the one defending yourself and your concern is completely ignored. Example: You point out some abusive behavior they did. Instead of addressing that, they immediately bring something else to the table, often about you, in order to try to divert the attention away from them and put it back on you (basically a form of victim-offender reversal). If you don’t know about this you’ll be tempted to defend or explain yourself, therefore letting go of the original topic, and then this tactic already worked for them, because the focus is not anymore on them. Now the pressure is on you proving how you’re not the villain and the diversion worked perfectly. Examples of what they might say
“At least I didn’t X like you did!”
“Sure, I’m always a problem with you. Don’t you think maybe you have wrong expectations of a partner?”
“All you can do is criticize me, can’t you say anything positive for once?”
“You’re not any better than me, you’re always (…)”
Completely diverting/ignoring your valid concerns and putting the pressure back on you now having to defending yourself against their accusations. This is where knowing how not to JADE (justify argue defend explain) can be extremely valuable. Keep laser focused on what you want out of that conversation, and don’t let yourself be diverted by any kind of accusations that may come. If the accusations are too harsh and you can’t just ignore them, consider whether it might be better to end that conversation.
Excuses
“I’m sorry that I did that but… [excuse]”
“I’m sorry I was [abusive] but I was so tired, and you know how [excuse] triggers me, and then you [something you did that triggers them].”
“I know I hurt you but that’s because [excuse], don’t you see how hard it is for me?”
“Maybe we’re just not meant to be” (as if it was fate’s fault for the relationship not working, and not them the main cause). A person is always responsible for their abusive behavior. Don’t be fooled by excuses.
Lying
A conscious omission of the truth is also lying and a half-truth is also a half-lie.
Threatening
Can be direct “If you […] I will […]” or even through ultimatums “Either we do this or we break up.” Or very subtle – “Maybe we should rethink our relationship.”, “I’ve been very sad about us lately and I don’t know what else to do anymore.”, “I won’t do or say anything then”
Note boundary vs threat: The main difference between a threat and a boundary is the intention. A boundary’s main goal is to protect ourselves. The focus is on us. A threat’s main goal is to get someone else to do something. The focus is on them. And in order to see what the person is aiming for
Guilt-tripping
“See, I was planning to do all these nice things for us today and now because of this fight I don’t feel like it anymore.”
“I brought you this gift and thought about you, and now you’re making us fight…”
“After all I did for you, this is how you repay me…”
“I would do it for you.”
Shaming
Letting you know in different ways how bad you are.
“I’m here crying and you do nothing, how’s that for a partner”
“You’re the worst girl/boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
“Other people wouldn’t get this mad over something so small.”
“Why are you like this?”
Playing the victim
Leading you to believe they are the victim and not responsible for their actions (so no need to apologize or admit to any wrongdoing)
“I’m doing my best here, it’s just not working”
“It’s not my fault, you know i have anger issues”
“I did everything I could to avoid the fight”
“I can’t be perfect all the time”
“I guess it’s all my fault, i can never do anything right” and other variations.
Vilifying the victim
The abused/victim person becomes the villain/bad guy. – “You keep criticizing me, all you can do is put me down, every single time we fight, do you know how that feels?” (when the critics are about abusive behavior). “You cannot say anything positive, can you? All I hear is how I’m behaving badly.” This one along with playing the victim are so often used and usually come together so often that they’re usually called victim-abuser reversal, or role-reversal, and is part of DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
Charming
With flattery, praise, gifts, adoration, playfulness or seduction (taunting with sex or its possibility). Acting very friendly and with affection. If this happens when you’re still hurt from something, it’s like nothing happened for them, and with this warmth right after the wrath, they try to win you back quickly. After all it’s comforting and loving feels better than hating, and perhaps you depend on them for that.
This completely invalidates / dismisses / ignores the hurt you feel and, if you push back, you’re quickly blamed for “dwelling on the past” or “bringing the mood down” or “you’re being unhelpful when I’m trying to fix things and I don’t see your love coming back” (which are manipulations 9 and 10). So you end up anxiously accepting their “sweet” gift of “love”.
Combinations
These tactics can and often appear combined:
- Criticizing you for feeling hurt about their abuse – “I feel you distant and cold, and it doesn’t help me! How can I be warm to you if I don’t get it back when I give it to you?” “Are you still hurt about that? … It was just a joke! Get over it! You’re going to ruin our day like this! Why are you such a sensitive person anyway, jeez.” – Minimizing (your feelings), role-reversal, shaming.
- “That is YOUR feeling. Just because you felt it like that doesn’t mean that’s what really happened [gaslighting]. Why does it affect you so much anyway! Stop being so sensitive and enjoy more! You give me a bad feeling about “us” like this. You’re not as fun as you used to be.” – Denying, minimizing (your feelings), shaming, role-reversal, (veiled) threat (breakup).
- “If you don’t come back and say something nice then we break up, because you were just impossible to talk to.” – Threat and vilifying the victim.
- “If I leave now you know I will not come back.” – (veiled) Threat (breakup). And when you point out you don’t like threats – “I didn’t threaten you to breakup… I just meant today I will not come back. Why are you always putting words in my mouth?!” – Denying, vilifying the victim.
- “I think our relationship is not working.” (after a fight where they were abusive) – Role-reversal, threat (veiled). Basically they put subtly the cause of what is going wrong in the relationship as “compatibility” issues and not of their BPD and their actions. No apologies for what they did wrong, which means your feelings of hurt are invalidated/minimized. And the threat of breaking up.
- “You made me do it. You triggered me, it’s your fault I hit you, shout at you and said those horrible things. If only you would have been more understanding, I wouldn’t have needed to hurt you.” – Role reversal. With this, they relieve themselves of any culpability for their actions, and all the blame goes to the receiver of those actions. The receiver is left with guilt and shame for feeling responsible for what happened.
- “You’ll never know what it’s like to be me, so it’s hard for you to see I hurt those I love the most.” – Guilt-tripping (because they love you so much), Playing the victim (it’s so painful to be me), Vilifying the Victim (because it’s you who don’t understand).
- “If you could’ve just avoided that trigger and then calmed me down, we could be now here lovingly sitting and enjoying our time. You’re who I love the most and I don’t want to lose you…” – Blaming the victim, charming.