It’s ok to say ‘no’ to things that deplete or harm you.
You are allowed to limit time (down to zero), or not include invitations with people that make you feel bad, that make your experience uncomfortable (insecure, guilty, manipulated, anxious, small,…). Follow your gut feeling on this.
When you say no to something which concerns your personal life, your body or mind, or anything that is yours – your time, your attention, or your love, you are allowed to give no justification, no reason, no answer to any whys or comments. We’re used to feeling like we have to give justifications. Abusers ask you why to try to find holes in the reasoning to make you say yes. Or to shame you into saying yes. That’s because they’re the ones that benefit from you not having boundaries. With them, when you try to set a boundary, they get angry or try to have you lower that boundary by trying to poke holes in it. And they can only poke holes if you show them where the wall is. Don’t. Keep that wall hidden, guard it. It’s nobody’s business. It’s yours, and yours only. To show only to who you want. It’s ok to answer vaguely at any “why not?”s questions or if they’re really pushing it, to let them not it’s none of their business.
You are allowed to limit help to others. You are more than the help you give. Don’t abandon yourself. You’re not being mean, inconsiderate or selfish when you think of yourself first. It’s how it should be in a healthy relationship with yourself.
You are allowed to keep yourself from being interrupted. As in, having phone on mute. You are also allowed to give what you’re doing priority over whatever others may want from you. “Right now I’m in the middle of something could you come back in x minutes?”
You are allowed to say no when someone asks you for a favor if it’s not convenient for you, or even just because you simply don’t feel good with it. If they are angry, trust your instinct that it’s them… “That’s not really handy for me” It’s okay to be assertive. If they feel offended, it’s their problem, it’s them, not you. You’re good. And you’re a strong adult now, and the law protects you.
You’re allowed to say no because you don’t feel like it. If they show themselves sad. You might feel guilty, and sad too. See if it feels manipulative. If not, it’s ok to feel guilty, but please try to remember your own needs, that you also matter, and not lose yourself in how that made them sad. On the other hand, if you feel they’re guilt tripping you, or they give you silent treatment, or become angry, or mock you, or ask you why… You already know by now what kind of people do silent treatments, and are angry at boundaries, or try to find holes in it.
You are allowed to say no to requests from others that you don’t want to do. As a former abuse victim, your concept of ‘selfish’ has been subverted (by the abuser). You’ve been told you were being selfish or inconsiderate when you weren’t, just so they could get you to do what they wanted by shaming you and confusing your feelings. So allow yourself now to feel “selfish”. Go to 110% selfishness levels, be a “douche” for a bit and then tone it down later, if needed.
You are allowed not to do things for others just to make their life easier, even more if doing that would make you uncomfortable or even just because it’s not the right moment for you. And either way, you don’t need to give a justification. “What if it’s a friend?” If it’s a good friend, then talk to them. They would not make you feel guilty, if they know you really don’t feel like doing it. Again, follow your gut feeling on this, and if you feel like you’re putting yourself second, that’s a sign not to do it.
You are allowed to leave any party, or event early. Actually, whenever you want. Or not even go to it.
You are allowed to end any conversation whenever you want. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. Right now perhaps would be helpful not to think about other people’s feelings and thoughts so much and be a bit more douchbagey. This doesn’t mean you need to be rude, but that at this moment, you need to do the opposite of what you’ve be told your whole life: To pay attention to your own needs and emotions and for once put them first.
You are allowed to keep it strictly professional if you feel uncomfortable talking about your personal life to a work colleague.
You are allowed to only talk about what feels right for you. If someone is asking you questions which make you uncomfortable to answer, you are allowed to say you don’t feel comfortable answering, and not answer them.
If someone makes you feel bad for putting a boundary for your own protection or self love, it’s on them. You get to decide what you feel comfortable sharing as well as which people you wish to tell your personal business to. You have a choice about what conversations you are willing to have with others.
You are allowed not to go to events when you’re invited just to be polite.
You are allowed to change subject to something that also interests you, to something that you wanna talk about and not just be a good listener because the other person is enjoying talking about whatever they are talking about.
You are allowed to say “now is not a good time, I’m sorry.”
You are allowed to have and show no interest in what others are talking about. You don’t need (to pretend) to please anyone. Their pleasing is not on you. To not accept people who show up at your home unannounced. To not go to family or friends events just for appearances or for family. If it’s not pleasurable what’s the point? Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of specific behavior from you.
You are allowed to take time off from people just to be with yourself. Even during a conversation, you have the right for a little time for yourself. Little or however long you need.
General tips
Share your boundaries as soon as you notice that the other needs to hear them. Doing so will prevent unwanted reactions that may occur after you’ve let things go on for too long. Be clear, concise and as immediate as possible. And know how to act if they are breached. Abusers will try to breach them for sure. Only abusers will get angry or pissed for you setting or wanting to set a boundary. Remember that. Because if you feel fear when doing it with someone in particular, it’s a sign your body is picking up on something toxic from them.
Examples
— Can you (…) ?
— No, I don’t think so. Not going to be possible.
— Would you like to share with us what you felt (…)?
— Nah, I’m good.
— Why not?
— Can you give me a ride?
— It’s not convenient, sorry.
— Why?
— Because… Of various and varied reasons. 🙂
— Which are…?
— :)… Personal.
— Why don’t you come join us for lunch?
— I prefer lunching early and short.
— Ah but you also have to socialize a bit, you should try it sometimes, would do you good.
— Thanks, that’s kind of you, but I’m alright 😉
“I’m sorry but atm I’m not in the right headspace to help you.”
“I’m sorry buddy, even though I would like to, atm I have some stuff in my mind and I can’t help you.”
“It sounds like a very complicated situation. I wish I could help you more today but I’m going through some shit of my own.”
“I care about you and your issues, and it seems really though but atm I just don’t have emotional energy to support because I’m exhausted myself.”