Author: astronaut

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Neglect

A common twin of abuse. It’s not only actions that scar us but also the lack of them. And while abuse is easier to spot, neglect can be as devastating. We can easily see alcoholism, or spanking, shouting, door slamming, critics, mocking and berating. But how can we see what we missed? How can we see that we

  • Lacked a mother saying how beautiful, desired and special we are. How happy she is that we exist.
  • Lacked good role models from whom we learn how to behave in society with self assurance.
  • Lacked emotional support when we needed and felt alone.
  • Lacked someone talking to us about our emotions, about and how we feel and how it is part of being human, how to deal with them, what they mean,…
  • Lacked boundaries between our parents and us.
  • Lacked attention, of being adored, of being seen and heard, of feeling visible, of feeling important, of being held, touched and hugged, of being asked “how was your day?” when you come home, of being noticed to have a black eye and be asked “who hurt you?” with a face of concern and compassion. Or of being noticed that we look sad and upset and be asked what happened.
  • Were not encouraged when we were down. Not shown enthusiasm for our discoveries. Didn’t feel that our parents trusted our abilities, and trusted us.
  • Were not given the space to be our own individual, to have our own tastes, goals and dreams accepted and encouraged.
Posted on by — Leave a comment

Authenticity

We, the traumatized, are often inauthentic. We are not really saying what we want, what we feel. We are not behaving from our gut feeling. We are just acting or performing, too much in our heads, everything passing through an intellectual filter, without knowing, too afraid of being ourselves. We don’t stand up for ourselves, we don’t even know how to. We are fearful of voicing our opinion. We walk on eggshells. We can’t express any of what we would like, to the point we might not even know what we like and what our opinions are. We are not being true to our emotions, we might not even be feeling our actual emotions.

Why? For that you have to dwelve into the world of emotional abuse.

I discovered this because I was in an abusive relationship which opened my eyes to the emotional abuse I suffered in childhood. I always thought I just lacked social skills, and that there was something wrong with my brain, that my personality was just quirky, or that this is just who I am and I’m destined to have to only manage this weird condition of social awkwardness. I couldn’t somehow connect with others. Like there was something missing from me.

Nope.

There was nothing wrong with me. There never had been. When you were abused for years on end how are you supposed to be happy, like everyone else? Imagine this: A soldier coming from war, a terrible war where he felt like he lost a part of himself. He lost loved ones. He suffered immensely. How is he supposed to be happy if all that suffering goes unaddressed, swiped under the rug? If he never allowed himself to grieve that, to get support, to talk about it. Well that’s us. When I saw other people just merrily having fun I wondered, what’s up with me, why can’t I also be happy and have fun like them? Well… How could I? How could anyone that went through the same…

If you see videos of children in orphanages (example 1, example 2) and how a lack of a stable loving caregiver affects them so severely, not only is it tragic but it also becomes clear. They are not as curious or playful or happy. They can’t focus on playfulness – they are either too scared, confused, agitated or silent and awkward. Their focus is externalized because they are searching for danger, and for love. They are in survival mode. And in survival mode you’re not going to feel like being playful. The normal kids are playing with each other, discovering the world, bonding. Not the traumatized ones. Those live in a dangerous, scary, confusing and lonely world. Orphanages are an extreme case, but we may experience somewhat less severe forms of neglect with less severe results. So instead of borderline, narcissistic or antisocial personality disorders, we may get “only” CPTSD.

Then when you cross the realm from emotional neglect to active abuse, i.e., when someone makes you doubt of your gut feeling, of your instincts and of your sanity with gaslighting, when someone mocks you – your tastes your opinions your way of being, criticizes you – the things you like how you do things, invalidates your feelings, manipulates, guilt trips you, makes you feel like you’re not good enough and everything you do is wrong or could be wrong and you get someone who ends up being disconnected from their emotions, living in a state of dissociation and inauthentic. The ones that didn’t end up being awkward just got better at faking. There’s no way around it. But there’s still a lot of awkwardness in faking, because faking is never truly a perfect copy. Those are the people we interact with where we feel there’s something off about them despite them seemingly being charming. And often abuse is subtle and without malice. In the end most people just attribute all of this to just being awkward, lacking of social skills or having some brain defect.

That confused, scared child in you is the key, because they are you, the authentic you, but the pain to feel the real emotions was too much, and dissociation occurred. And they’re there, wanting to be loved, heard and protected.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

Having trauma is expensive

  • Spending hundreds a month on a therapist who is trauma informed plus wasted time and money on previous therapists who weren’t.
  • Addictive behaviors to escape the pain, which directly or indirectly cost money.
  • Spending parts of your free time and work time self soothing/doing therapy work so you can’t focus properly on career growth
  • Not being able to achieve high job positions because being with too many people for too long is exhausting and high positions require a lot of social interaction.
  • Lack of networking, so you end up in a job that may be not ideal, or not as good as it could be.
  • Because you were gaslighted not to trust your gut feeling and not knowing what your likes and wants are, you end up in a field you actually don’t like. And being good at something you don’t like is very difficult so you end up being mediocre or suffering af. Either way extra costs in psychology or not earning as much as your peers who love their job.
  • Because you lack boundaries, managers can overwhelm you with work and it’s hard to say no. End up getting burned out. Extra psychology, health costs.
  • Because you’re scared of being mocked, put down, and lack self confident you don’t speak up at your job so even if you’re really good your skills aren’t that noticed. No increase in salary.
  • Because you don’t fight for your needs you don’t ask for a raise.
  • Paying extra for post costs because you want to avoid getting triggers by going physically to the shop.
  • Because you’re so overwhelmed in your mind, you end up not getting energy for tasks that need it, or forget them, and you may end up paying a fine.
  • Need to live alone because being with other people can become too tiring – can’t share rent/expenses.
  • Because you tend to be more introverted you don’t know a lot of tips and tricks that make life so much easier and cheaper, like getting contact of a good dentist, or a good accountant. End up paying more, for worse service.
  • Because you don’t trust your gut feeling, and are people pleasing, it’s easier to get scammed.
  • You end up buying stuff you don’t need in hopes of it filling some of the emptiness (and then feel even more empty when that fails).
  • Stress, emotional exhaustion and inhibition and so on are known causes of physical health problems. Extra healthcare costs and more stress and another task to think of. May also cost a day off from work here and there. Which in turn makes us even more tired for lack of resting.
Posted on by — Leave a comment

Just don’t be lonely.

I recently read a thread where by far most people were saying that what isolated, lonely teenagers need is social interaction, that they need to go find hobbies, find good friends, not be as needy to not put people off, and let go of their anger.

What almost nobody realizes is that prescribing “social interaction” is almost like prescribing homeopathy to someone with cancer.

The real cancer is trauma.

Trauma.

We live in an epidemic of emotional trauma and few people see it.

It is trauma that causes parents to neglect their kids, to have low empathy for their suffering and not be able to realise they are not ok. Parents, or whoever is taking care of the kids, with the “help” of “modern” society in fact, cause kids, through action or inaction, not to be ok. Do people think these kids just happened to be born with a “social isolation gene”? Or “generalized hatred” gene? Nobody is that way, they were made.

The person you’re replying to is an outlier and very lucky to have found people that were supportive. But I’d say by far most won’t. And there’s a reason for that and it’s not their fault. Traumatized people are not very popular. Trauma itself is not very popular and most people have no clue about it, or how to identify someone who is traumatized, because the very nature of trauma causes them to conceal they have it to fit in and be accepted. And the ones who don’t fit in are just seem as “there’s something wrong with them”. Kinda reminds me of the state of medicine in the middle ages.

What these people need is not social interaction.

They need

  • Compassion
  • someone to listen to them, to hear them, to be with them with their pain.
  • to hear their story. Not to be asked “what’s wrong with you?” but “what happened to you?”
  • be told there’s nothing wrong with them. They are this way because it’s one of the ways a healthy mind copes with extreme emotional neglect and maybe abuse.
  • to have a secure attachment. Someone they can count on. All the time. Unconditionally.
  • a sense of belonging. To a community. To a shared sense of purpose. That they are needed and wanted. That they are valued. Desired.

Unfortunately the way society is right now where we don’t live on tribes with people that know us that care about us and are always there for us and can provide the above, like it happened for thousands of years, and like our brain is made to function with, now for many people there’s only one that can do some of this and you have to pay them for it. Therapists. It’s screwed up.

Things have changed so much and so quickly that we’re totally unaware of how screwed up and how much we were not made for this “modern” lifestyle.

We were not made to live with only 2 adults who have to take the role of a village to single handedly rear a child.

We were not made to attach primarily with people of our age. First in kindergarden, then school, then college. There were always several people and of all ages who we humans attached deeply to, who we matured emotionally from, whose more mature behaviors we could emulate and learn from.

We were not made to, if those 2 people fail to provide us a sense of safety, have no backup. There would always be someone who we could chat. We would always be with company of other people in the tribe. There would always be a “loving grandma” or an “older brother” who we could go to.

We were not made to have to pay someone to give us a simulation of unconditional love, and safety that our group would provide. This person, who we know in the end does it for the money, and to help, but without money they wouldn’t do it. How can we think this is OK and normal and that people are having their emotional needs met in these weird conditions?

How far have we gone the far end to find ourselves proud to conclude that social interaction increases longevity? Are we in the future going to be so dry that people will be proud to conclude that drinking water increases longevity too?

In the conditions we live now it is no wonder emotional neglect and abuse has been happening so much. The very way the social foundation is laid is lacking and so easy for trauma to happen and propagate.

The covid pandemic we hear about it. The trauma pandemic, which is equally transmissible from generation to generation and between romantic partners, very difficult to heal and causes unimaginable silent pain to millions of people… Nah. We blame people for being wounded. We call them lazy, and angry. We give them condescending names like “Karens” to make it seem like they’re different and their own species and not that their extreme sense of entitlement actually comes from feeling worthless inside. Or accuse people of just being unempathetic angry and selfish as if all their life hadn’t been nothing but an experience that would make anyone become that way. No shoulder to cry on. No motherly voice to comfort them. They can’t be anything but unempathetic, angry and lonely. People are not mentally ill. People are mentally injured.

And I say pandemic because it is everywhere. In the politicians who seem to only care about themselves. In the influencers who seem so fixated in having people provide them validation in being seen highly by others and in feeling important. In the people who commit crimes. And I mean financial and ethical crimes too. How can they do that? Maybe crimes happened in their childhood and nobody cared. In the bosses at our jobs who seem to only care about maximizing profit as a proof that they’re being the best to compensate for how not good enough they always felt like. In the clerks who seem to enjoy the little power they have over people and exert it to the full extent to compensate for the powerlessness they felt all their lives since they were a kid.

We have been so conditioned in our society to accept trauma as a common and normal occurrence that we hardly pause to acknowledge it. It’s no wonder many people suffer in silence.

And nobody seems to know about this and only talk about social interaction, making friends, focusing on the positive, being more out there and looking at traumatized people like they’re some weirdos that came through a membrane from another universe.

Are we being so different from the people that in the 17th century burned “heretics” or in ancient Rome sheered for the blood spilled in arenas as criminals were slayed to death and who we now regard as barbarics?

Let’s pass this message and see if we can make people aware of this pandemic and do something about it because it is very much urgent.

Posted on by — Leave a comment

You’re Allowed

It’s ok to say ‘no’ to things that deplete or harm you.

You are allowed to limit time (down to zero), or not include invitations with people that make you feel bad, that make your experience uncomfortable (insecure, guilty, manipulated, anxious, small,…). Follow your gut feeling on this.

When you say no to something which concerns your personal life, your body or mind, or anything that is yours – your time, your attention, or your love, you are allowed to give no justification, no reason, no answer to any whys or comments. We’re used to feeling like we have to give justifications. Abusers ask you why to try to find holes in the reasoning to make you say yes. Or to shame you into saying yes. That’s because they’re the ones that benefit from you not having boundaries. With them, when you try to set a boundary, they get angry or try to have you lower that boundary by trying to poke holes in it. And they can only poke holes if you show them where the wall is. Don’t. Keep that wall hidden, guard it. It’s nobody’s business. It’s yours, and yours only. To show only to who you want. It’s ok to answer vaguely at any “why not?”s questions or if they’re really pushing it, to let them not it’s none of their business.

You are allowed to limit help to others. You are more than the help you give. Don’t abandon yourself. You’re not being mean, inconsiderate or selfish when you think of yourself first. It’s how it should be in a healthy relationship with yourself.

You are allowed to keep yourself from being interrupted. As in, having phone on mute. You are also allowed to give what you’re doing priority over whatever others may want from you. “Right now I’m in the middle of something could you come back in x minutes?”

You are allowed to say no when someone asks you for a favor if it’s not convenient for you, or even just because you simply don’t feel good with it. If they are angry, trust your instinct that it’s them… “That’s not really handy for me” It’s okay to be assertive. If they feel offended, it’s their problem, it’s them, not you. You’re good. And you’re a strong adult now, and the law protects you.

You’re allowed to say no because you don’t feel like it. If they show themselves sad. You might feel guilty, and sad too. See if it feels manipulative. If not, it’s ok to feel guilty, but please try to remember your own needs, that you also matter, and not lose yourself in how that made them sad. On the other hand, if you feel they’re guilt tripping you, or they give you silent treatment, or become angry, or mock you, or ask you why… You already know by now what kind of people do silent treatments, and are angry at boundaries, or try to find holes in it.

You are allowed to say no to requests from others that you don’t want to do. As a former abuse victim, your concept of ‘selfish’ has been subverted (by the abuser). You’ve been told you were being selfish or inconsiderate when you weren’t, just so they could get you to do what they wanted by shaming you and confusing your feelings. So allow yourself now to feel “selfish”. Go to 110% selfishness levels, be a “douche” for a bit and then tone it down later, if needed.

You are allowed not to do things for others just to make their life easier, even more if doing that would make you uncomfortable or even just because it’s not the right moment for you. And either way, you don’t need to give a justification. “What if it’s a friend?” If it’s a good friend, then talk to them. They would not make you feel guilty, if they know you really don’t feel like doing it. Again, follow your gut feeling on this, and if you feel like you’re putting yourself second, that’s a sign not to do it.

You are allowed to leave any party, or event early. Actually, whenever you want. Or not even go to it.

You are allowed to end any conversation whenever you want. You are not responsible for the feelings of others. Right now perhaps would be helpful not to think about other people’s feelings and thoughts so much and be a bit more douchbagey. This doesn’t mean you need to be rude, but that at this moment, you need to do the opposite of what you’ve be told your whole life: To pay attention to your own needs and emotions and for once put them first.

You are allowed to keep it strictly professional if you feel uncomfortable talking about your personal life to a work colleague.

You are allowed to only talk about what feels right for you. If someone is asking you questions which make you uncomfortable to answer, you are allowed to say you don’t feel comfortable answering, and not answer them.

If someone makes you feel bad for putting a boundary for your own protection or self love, it’s on them. You get to decide what you feel comfortable sharing as well as which people you wish to tell your personal business to. You have a choice about what conversations you are willing to have with others.

You are allowed not to go to events when you’re invited just to be polite.

You are allowed to change subject to something that also interests you, to something that you wanna talk about and not just be a good listener because the other person is enjoying talking about whatever they are talking about.

You are allowed to say “now is not a good time, I’m sorry.”

You are allowed to have and show no interest in what others are talking about. You don’t need (to pretend) to please anyone. Their pleasing is not on you. To not accept people who show up at your home unannounced. To not go to family or friends events just for appearances or for family. If it’s not pleasurable what’s the point? Saying no to gifts that are given with the hope of specific behavior from you.

You are allowed to take time off from people just to be with yourself. Even during a conversation, you have the right for a little time for yourself. Little or however long you need.

General tips

Share your boundaries as soon as you notice that the other needs to hear them. Doing so will prevent unwanted reactions that may occur after you’ve let things go on for too long. Be clear, concise and as immediate as possible. And know how to act if they are breached. Abusers will try to breach them for sure. Only abusers will get angry or pissed for you setting or wanting to set a boundary. Remember that. Because if you feel fear when doing it with someone in particular, it’s a sign your body is picking up on something toxic from them.

Examples

— Can you (…) ?
— No, I don’t think so. Not going to be possible.

— Would you like to share with us what you felt (…)?
— Nah, I’m good.
— Why not?

— Can you give me a ride?
— It’s not convenient, sorry.
— Why?
— Because… Of various and varied reasons. 🙂
— Which are…?
— :)… Personal.

— Why don’t you come join us for lunch?
— I prefer lunching early and short.
— Ah but you also have to socialize a bit, you should try it sometimes, would do you good.
— Thanks, that’s kind of you, but I’m alright 😉

“I’m sorry but atm I’m not in the right headspace to help you.”

“I’m sorry buddy, even though I would like to, atm I have some stuff in my mind and I can’t help you.”

“It sounds like a very complicated situation. I wish I could help you more today but I’m going through some shit of my own.”

“I care about you and your issues, and it seems really though but atm I just don’t have emotional energy to support because I’m exhausted myself.”

Posted on by — Leave a comment

The Proof Is in You

Whenever you want proof that you were abused / neglected and you don’t remember much, look at your current behaviors and feelings. For example, a child that was treated as worthy, won’t spend their adulthood feeling worthless and trying to prove to others that they aren’t.

An adult that wasn’t traumatically shamed as a child, won’t carry pervasive shame wherever they go. Feeling that they’re not good enough, frequently feeling that they need to achieve in order to feel good about themselves.

A child who was allowed to be authentic and still get their needs met, won’t become an adult who feels they need to manipulate to get what they want.

A child who could be angry, disagree, assert their boundaries and express their individuality with their parents – and still feel loved -, won’t become a people pleaser who feels they have to be and do what others want in order to be liked.

An adult who, as a child, wasn’t mocked, called stupid and got condescending tones for asking questions, will feel comfortable doing so. And if someone mocks them for that they will wonder what’s wrong with that person, not with themselves.

A child who didn’t have to deal with sudden and random outbursts and drama, won’t become an hyper-vigilant anxious adult.

If you were abused as a child, it is more likely you’ll enter an abusive relationship as an adult. And settle for breadcrumbs of love. And let your boundaries be broken. And take the blame for when things go wrong. They might tell you you’re good for nothing and you might think they have a point. They’ll stomp on you while saying they love you. And you’ll believe them.

And you know what? It’ll all feel strangely familiar.

The examples are abundant and I think you get the point.

So if you’re scared that because you don’t remember a lot of things then “maybe they didn’t happen and you’re making a big deal out of it” — you don’t need to remember. You just need to look. Look into the tension in your body, look into your anxiety, look into your fears, look into your coping behaviors. You are a manifestation of your past.

This will tell you not only what happened but also what you need.

If you’re fearful now it means someone scared you then. And you need comforting now.

If you’re needy now, it means you were neglected then, and you need love now.

If you feel invisible, it means nobody heard you then, and you need to give yourself (and your inner child) all the attention in the world now.

If you feel a lot of shame for many things, it means you were shamed then, and you need to rebel now and feel supported and compassion in coming out of the shell of shame. And so on.

There is hope for you, no matter what you remember.